Relationships

 People ask why don't I tell guys that I like them when I do and it's a long story. Here I go. Recently I told a guy that I liked him and it went to crap. We are still friends. Wish I could take it back though because I don't think I was fully ready for him to know and now he does. It makes it a little awkward on my part. He doesn't like me the same way. It is what it is I guess. No one wants that feeling of being rejected and that is how I felt. It really upset me. Thought I would be used to it by now, but that's a lie. I have had plenty of crap relationships. Many of them have made it to where I don't want to feel again and just be numb. Many would get what they wanted,  lied, used, and manipulated me if not worse. Emotional abuse was the worst.  Thought maybe this one will be different or this one will love me. That wasn't the case. Sometimes I did what I did to try to feel something or feel nothing. I thought I deserved it.  I would settle for less than I deserve.  I got through it.  Some people judge me on my bad choices and decisions which they have no right to do. Others pity me or feel sorry for me which I can't stand. I am a survivor. I deserve the best when it comes to friendships and relationships. I've been through a lot. I have my good and bad days. I've had guys who made me feel beautiful and then tear me down to nothing. Actions speak louder than words. I am not going to say I was always the perfect girlfriend or friend.  I've made my mistakes. When it comes to relationships with men it's not been easy for me. I don't want an easy relationship but I definitely don't want to put up with a lot of crap I don't deserve. I deserve to be treated with respect.  Don't want someone who is going to lie, use me, cheat on me,  or worse. Don't want to be led to believe I have a chance when I don't. No head games. I deserve someone who wants to be my friend. Someone who takes time to get to know me. Accepts me for me. That one who will love me through good and bad.  Doesn't leave just because things go to crap. Everyone in life has good and bad relationships.  Don't define them by their past. It is about working together and communicating. I know I deserve the best whether I think so or not at times.  Don't settle for less.  I know I may miss out on something good if I don't tell maybe and maybe not.  Maybe I would like someone to pursue me for a change.  I don't give up hope, but I don't do well at rejection and I don't think anyone truly does because it takes a lot of guts to tell someone and it hurts like hell when they don't feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with wanting to guard my heart from being hurt again. 

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